Always a Bridesmaid

8 and counting… this is the number of close women in my life that have either gotten engaged or married within the last two years.

And then.. there’s me. I have diagnosed myself with a nasty case of ”always the bridesmaid, never the bride” syndrome ;) Don’t get me wrong — I’m incredibly ecstatic for these women who have found love and are about to embark on the most amazing journey of their lives. In fact, the excitement I feel for them is the exact thing I’m looking forward to feeling one day. However, I can’t help but feel a tinge of anxiety in the fact that I don’t have anyone “to come home to”.

“It will happen when you’re least expecting it” — This is what lots of people say, but when does the time come when you’re not expecting it? Does that mean I have to give up on love completely before it comes to me? That kind of thinking seems a little counterintuitive.

The bottom line is — it’s hard to meet people. I can’t just go to a coffee shop or a bookstore or the mall and expect some tall, charming, handsome, Muslim guy to come up to me and say hello and sweep me off my feet. As a Muslim woman growing up in a non-muslim country, it’s frankly a chore to find love. There is such a stigma attached to meeting members of the opposite gender in the Muslim community, and it’s becoming nothing short of frustrating trying to navigate the “rights”, the “wrongs”, and the in-betweens of what’s an acceptable method through which to find “the one”. I think all of that stems from a lack of opportunities to meet people.

Curtain Clash

At the mosque, women sit on one side of the curtain and the men occupy the other side. Oftentimes, I wonder what harm could be done if I was able to see the men. Would I be too distracted by the mere sight of them to listen to the sermon? Would the men be too distracted by our beauty to pay attention to the lecture up front?  If things are kept “halal”, then what is everyone so afraid of? At least there wouldn’t be such major tension surrouding the interaction between the genders. The men and women enter and leave through two different exits and only catch glimpses of  each other’s existence while waiting outside for dads and brothers to bring the car around.

If that isn’t bad enough, there’s a not-so-quiet grumble from members of the community when young people marry someone from ”outside” the community in terms of religion. Meanwhile, there is such a pressured expectation that we find someone within our communities in some magical way when we’re least expecting it with no real support. This paradoxical thinking is what makes the younger generation disconnected and discouraged about finding love within our own.

Single and Ready to “Mingle”?

Dating is a HIGHLY taboo subject in my culture and community, but I’d like to take a moment on my blog to discuss it. Lots of people (and I’m talking lots) are dating, but no one’s talking about it. You’re wearing hijab and growing a beard, and you’re dating. You’re not wearing a hijab or growing a beard, and you’re dating. You’re in high school, and you’re Facebook chatting with someone you like. You’re in college, and you’re G-chatting and texting and calling and meeting up someone you’re interested in. But, is it ok? Is it ok to start a romantic relationship on the sneaky with another Muslim who you think might just be “the one”?

Is This a Set-up?

And then, there’s the whole “arranged” mairrage situation.  This might look different depending on your situation and your circumstances, but generally, parents will try to set up their single 20-something daughters and sons by parading them around at weddings and hinting to their friends that we’re “available”. This is both embarrasing and nerve-wracking. There’s a feeling in me that I’m constantly being “sized up” by aunties to see if I fit some ridiculous mold of a “good” wife. So, instead of worrying about impressing a guy, you’re trying to impress his mother before you can even catch a glimpse of the “eligible” bachelor. This can be a tricky avenue, but I’ve seen it work wonderfully for some couples while being a complete bomb for others. Our parents mean well.. they really do. I know that my mom and dad want the best for me. But, unless your parents are well-connected members of the community, it’s hard to get any real good “catches” from this method.

Friend Connection

Meeting someone through a mutual friend is a pretty good compromise, but this method isn’t foolproof, either. I think it’s one of the best options out there, but there is an unmistakeable sense of awkwardness behind talking to a friend of a friend. What does he already know about me? Does he know what I know about him? Does he want to be friends first? Are we on a date? Is he going to call? Should I ask my friend? If things don’t work out, what will I say when I run into him at my friend’s birthday party?

Basically, this is what I’ve gathered: It’s perfectly OK and supported that I meet and get to know some complete stranger on the other side of the country with my parents’ invovement, but I’m not supposed to interact with or try to find out who’s on the other side of my own community’s curtain? #confused.

I’m frustrated that there are limited opportunities and too many roadblocks in place to meet someone of caliber as a single, Muslim woman. There are too many mixed messages and not enough comfortable avenues through which to interact meaningfully with members of the opposite gender.

“Desperate” Measures

I once even attended a match-making event set up by a Houston mosque thinking it would be great. I thought, ”Finally! Members of the community were starting to realize there was a need for some meaningful interaction between the youth!” But that was a complete disaster. A disaster and a half, actually. There were a grand total of 2 guys there under the age of 30. I realized something pretty disturbing that day — half of the problem stems from young people and their mentalities that only “desperate” people go to those things. Only people who have no other option would be caught dead at an event like that. While it took a lot of courage for me to put myself out there, I got nothing out of it because Houston’s eligible Muslim men and women were too busy thinking they weren’t THAT desperate.

At the end of the day, everyone is looking for someone to feel a deep, undeniable connection to. It is in our nature to want someone to love and nurture and to take care of. We long to be taken care of and there is an ever-growing desire to want that for your life as you get older.

I’m not saying I want to get married tomorrow (so please hold off on the proposals, guys), but I am saying that it’s not an easy thing to even start that process. In this day and age, there should be a change in our thinking. We should be able to have confidence in the fact that we WILL meet someone instead of constantly wondering how that could even be possible considering the challenges.

I am hopeful, though. I know there is a plan in place for each of us, and I’m looking forward to seeing how that plan unfolds for me

I don’t have the answers nor am I interested in looking for any overnight solution. This post was just a reflection of my thoughts and feelings about a topic that is rarely discussed so candidly. I’d love to hear your thoughts, so leave me a line!

Stay tuned. It’s a long way to infinity, and even longer to beyond.

Keep on truckin’

My cool daily stats tell me that there are people out in cyberspace who are perusing my three posts on a daily basis! I should be better about updating (Alas.. I’m guilty of the “start a blog and stop after two posts” thing). Shout-out to my mystery readers

Alrighty… so I started training for my new job at YES Prep Public Schools. Go, West Marvels! I’m so lucky to be surrounded by such wonderfully motivated and talented people. In fact, speaking of motivation, I was asked today by one of the course leaders to answer the question, “What motivates you?” Normally, I hate answering those kinds of questions in a group, but then I started to really think about it. We went around the circle, and I heard some answers that were truly FAR from my own thinking. Some said that the fear of failure motivates them. One girl said failing is NEVER an option and the thought of failing scares (motivates) her. Here’s what I think.

Success is not calculated by whether or not you’ve ACCOMPLISHED any one task. I think success comes from both accomplishing that task, AND knowing you learned something valuable in the process. If you go your whole life just “accomplishing” and never truly succeeding, then what have you really learned? How have you truly grown? If your only motivation is the constant fear of failing, then you’re not completely invested in what you’re doing.

The fear of failure doesn’t motivate me. In fact, the idea that failure IS an option is what motivates me. Failures aren’t a  sign of your incompetence. They’re opportunities to get better. I think that if you have a commitment to excellence instead of a constant fear of NOT succeeding, then you’re setting yourself up for HUGE disappointments in the long run.

Ok, I’m done with my soapbox thoughts. Feel free to have an Ann Coulter-ish ranting session in the comments section, if you so choose I love some healthy debate.

So, after all the talk of motivation, I realized I need to start setting some meaningful personal goals. Here are a few I’m starting today.

1. Eat healthier (no more fast food or outrageous carb intakes).

2. Go to the gym EVERY day. I did this for 6 months once, and I felt so much better in life. Then, I dropped off the wagon a bit. I’m getting back on.

3. Run a half-marathon in the next 6 months. (Training for said half-marathon will come from accomplishing goals 1 and 2).

4. Be and STAY more organized.

5. Get to all my meetings, appointments, etc. at least 10 minutes EARLY. Brown people have a hard time with this one. Not this brown gal, though. Early is the new “on time.” On time is the new “late.”

6. Discover some new music. Suggestions are welcome via comments on this post. Seriously, if I have to listen to the same 12 songs on the top-40 radio stations for any longer, I’m going to shoot my foot.

7. Watch Inception again. I challenge you to tell me what happened in the middle 46 minutes of that movie if you’ve only seen it once.

8. Decorate my classroom with really awesome things. (Pictures to come)

There are probably more goals I want to set, but I think this a good start. I’ll keep you all posted on the progress of all of these.

Stay tuned. It’s a long way to infinity, and even longer to beyond.

What I’m listening to: “Fast Car” – Tracy Chapman, “This is How it Goes” – Missy Higgins, “King of Anything” – Sara Bareilles

Out with the old

Phew, it’s been a hectic few weeks. I graduated from UT after 10 wonderful semesters. My family and closest friends showed me so much love and I felt like I finally made people proud. I’m so excited to start the next part of my life… teaching at a charter school is going to be tough, but I’m so excited to get started. (Huge shout out to Yes Prep West. Go Marvels!)

As I was moving out of my apartment in Austin, I stumbled upon my journal from last summer. I was teaching a set of WONDERFULLY amazing kids at Breakthrough Houston (check it out, it’s a great organization) and I wrote this at the end of the experience:

“This summer has ignited something in me. It’s made me forget all the bullshit in my life and it’s made me FEEL for the first time in a long time. I just hope it’s not temporary. I don’t want to be one of those people who gets so bogged down with life that I forget what’s inspired me … After such an intense summer at BTH, I feel like I need to DO more and talk about it less. It’s changed me and showed me how much I can care and how much people can show you their potential …”

I’m glad I found it. It’s kinda cheesy (ok, really cheese-tastic) but it’s what I felt and what I needed to read to remind me of what I think is important. I can’t wait to start teaching again. As much as I dreaded staying up late and waking up early to finish lesson plans and run copies of worksheets at school, I really found the most joy in seeing my kids succeed.

So nervous, but really looking forward to it.

In other news, I’ve remodeled my bedroom at home (finally nice to have my own space again), I’ve started working out again (eating right is slowly making its way up as a priority), I’ve been helping my wonderful older sister plan her engagement party (shoutout to you, Irene) and I’ve been practicing for a group dance for my best friend’s wedding this July (more embarrassing details about my uncoordinated body later).

Actually, we can talk about it right now. I suck at this Bollywood dancing business. Honestly, if it wasn’t my best friend, I really wouldn’t embarrass myself. Shazi, if you’re reading this, I apologize in advance for being the weirdo in the dance who forgets all the moves and starts to do the bunny-hop or the Macarena (both of which are highly underrated and not played enough at desi weddings). But, alas.. my uncoordinated upper body needs to somehow make peace with my equally awkwardly moving lower body. I’ll get it eventually … bhangra = changing the light bulb (right?) Teach me your ways, Henna. Let’s have secret pre-practices so I don’t look like such a fool next time.

What I’ve been watching lately — NBA Finals (trying to keep up — Eff the Lakers.), The Bachelorette, The Hills, other quality programming.

What I’ve been listening to — Missy Higgins. Love her.

Stay tuned. It’s a long way to infinity, and even longer to beyond.

Great is God.

Faith is a funny thing. You can’t touch it, you can’t hold it, but you feel a sense of overwhelming completeness when it consumes you.

I’ve had a difficult and interesting journey so far with religion. If you know me well enough (which is hard — I am quite an enigma), you know the constant battle I face in regards to my faith. Being a female Muslim in living in America is a challenge like no other. It forces me to think, evaluate, and reason with myself at every turn, and it gets harder and more difficult every day.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Islam. In fact, the challenges make me cherish my faith so much more. I am a better person because of my experiences, but I can’t help but feel that I’m not good enough or I haven’t done enough.

I didn’t really grow up in a “religious” household. I mean, we are Muslim, and my parents took me to Sunday school as much as they could — but then they both started working, and the daily grind of life took precedence over living out our faith. Circumstances got the best of our family, and unfortunately, religion took the back seat. For years growing up, we did all the things Muslims did — we fasted during Ramadan, went to all the Moharram lectures we could squeeze in, and we went attended prayers for all the major Islamic holidays. But beyond that, I had no real, personal relationship with God. Before I came to college, I could feel my faith wavering, and I had almost lost hope.I didn’t know how to speak to Him, and I honestly didn’t think I deserved to…

But then, I came to Austin. I found myself looking for something — not really knowing what that was. I was always curious about being more “religious,” and I wanted to explore that part of my identity because I could finally do it on my own. My faith, in some way, has always sort of mapped my life in that way. So, one Ramadan, I ventured out to the only Shia mosque in Austin. The intimacy of the community and the openness that existed among everyone drew me in almost instantly. There, I met so many wonderful people who showed me a side of faith I had never seen before. The first time I prayed there, I felt an overwhelming sense of assurance — a feeling I’d never felt before. For a year, I cultivated relationships at mosque by attending lectures, being present, and praying like I’d never prayed before. I thought I had finally found what I was looking for.

For a while, I was happy. I felt like I was finally in a good place, and I thought I had everything I’d ever wanted. Then BAM! It hit me. I may have found a renewed sense of faith, but along the way, I had lost parts of myself. I felt so much pressure from so many different directions — some telling me I wasn’t practicing the right way, while others thought I was being forced into doing things that they didn’t’ think were truly “me.” So, I did what any immature 20-something does when things get tough: I backed down, and I allowed the pressure to get to me.

Since that time, I’ve done a lot of thinking. While I don’t have it all figured out, and probably never will, I did realize that I had stopped being the amazing, brilliant, and talented person I knew I could be. I started doubting my every move. I started thinking I was never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. Essentially, I had lost faith in myself. But now, more than ever, I realize that I can be spiritual AND spirited. I can have a relationship with God and continue cultivating the relationship I have with myself. These things aren’t mutually exclusive.

So, as I navigate through this journey of faith, I can only put my trust in Him. I can only hope that He knows about my intentions, even if it may not seem so apparent to others.

Ok, this post is pretty personal. But hey, venting to cyperspace is actually really cathartic.

Stay tuned. It’s a long way to infinity, and even longer to beyond.

Here goes nothing, something, and a little bit of everything

Ok, let’s get to it!

If you made your way here, it’s for a good reason. The stars aligned, and your little mouse couldn’t resist.

I can’t promise that I’ll be able to entertain you each time, but keep checking back, because I plan to update semi-frequently.

So, let’s see… I’m graduating in less than two weeks. Just finished bullshitting my last college paper, and I have to say: It feels good!

I had to ask for extensions on all my final projects because of a really crazy stomach virus I contracted this past weekend. Beware of the fish tacos at O’s Cafe … It kept me in bed  for three days. I’ll spare you the details, but on the bright side, I caught up on Season 1 of “30 Rock.” Thanks, David!  Gotta love that Liz Lemon. She’s just so freaking cute.

So, I’ve been thinking, I’m a bit scared to see what life is going to be like after I leave this wonderful place I’ve called home for five years. Austin has been good to me, and more often than ever before, I find myself reflecting on how much I’ve grown as a person over these few short years. But, college years are like dog years — one year feels more like seven years (I dunno what dog years really are, I’m more of a cat person…). The point is, every semester brought a new set of friends, a new set of memories, and a new set of obstacles to overcome.

It’s been quite the ride. I’ve definitely learned more about myself here than I think I ever will anywhere else. While I’ve had wonderful memories with wonderful people, it was the conflicts I faced during my time here that have really helped me realize who I am and what I’m truly capable of.

It used to bring me down a lot. You know, the feeling that plagues you knowing that other people may not truly “get” you. I made such an effort to please so many people, that in the end, I wasn’t pleasing myself anymore (insert middle-school snicker here, if you so choose. I know I did!) I guess I finally realized that, no matter how hard you try, people will always judge you. It’s just the way of the world. But, that’s when your self-confidence should kick in. If it doesn’t, then you owe it to yourself to find it. I found mine. I let go. I stopped trying to make everyone else happy. I finally let them think what they wanted because I know more about myself than anyone else.  And, I found solace in the words of Jay-Z: ” Only God can judge me, so I’m gone. Either love me, or leave me alone.”

In the end, I am so thankful for the opportunity to attend one of the greatest universities in the nation, and I am even more lucky to have forged such lasting relationships here. No other experience will compare to these last five years. Sure, I’ll have more memories, and I’ll manage to make new friends, but this is different. There’s something about 2 a.m. trips to Kerbey Lane and laying outside on South Mall with the Capitol in all its glory in front of you and the UT Tower looming like magic above you.

I just have 2 more weeks to enjoy this as an undergrad. So, holler at me if you wanna join in on all the fun I’m going to be having in Austin before I leave.

What I’m listening to right now: “Black Balloon” by The Goo Goo Dolls. Good stuff.

Stay tuned. It’s a long way to infinity, and even longer to beyond.